400 Pound Elvis Impersonators.

The following story is pretty much the poster child for Patriot stupidity. It was right here when everyone realized that there's no Curse of the Billy Goat here, the management was just really incompetent. It was right here when the Patriots became the laughing stock of the NFL, a title they would successfully defend against all comers for the next 16 years.

In 1972, Billy Sullivan went on another one of his semi-regular worldwide searches for a new football coach. Not only did the last three searches not go too well, but the Patriots were still paying all three. But this time was going to be different. We're not going to borrow a scout from another franchise to coach the team this time (Phil Bengston), the Pats said. No recruiting in Bellevue now, the Patriots are really serious this time.

At first, they appeared to be serious. Sullivan had been in contact with Penn State's Joe Paterno, Oklahoma's Chuck Fairbanks and just about every other major college coach in the country. Surprising no one, Joe Pa showed his usual good judgement and turned the job down, but to the shock of everyone, Fairbanks accepted.

Fairbanks was a real coach. He was professional and everything. No one had any clue why he would take this Godforsaken job. Well, in a few months, it became clear. It seemed that the University of Oklahoma's athletic department (a.k.a. the football team) was about to get whacked by the NCAA for putting members of the creative writing department in charge of student transcripts. This, by accident, mind you, just happened to benefit the fooball players maintain their eligibility. The Sooners had had enough of these shenanagans and turned to a strict, rule-abiding, diciplinarian to take over their team - Barry Switzer.

Either way, starting in 1973, Chuck Fairbanks was the coach and GM of your New England Patriots. Over the years, some have questioned his coaching ability, but no one has ever questioned his eye for talent and ability to draft and in New England this is no mean feat. This is the same team, whose personnel director, Ed McKeever, suggested that they pick a certain receiver before the 1968 draft. Thankfully, someone on the crack staff figured out that the future Patriot had been dead for six month before they made the pick.

Those days were long gone. In his first year, Fairbanks (with the help of personnel director Bucko Kilroy) picked up guard John Hannah, running back Sam "Bam" Cunningham and wide out Darryl Stingley in the first round, plus they picked up future starting nose tackle "Sugar Bear" Ray Hamilton in the 15th round. In 1974, they nabbed future starting line backers Steve Nelson, Sam Hunt and future starting running back Andy Johnson. In 1975, future pro bowler Russ Francis was added along with soon-to-be local legend, quarterback Steve Grogan. Hall of famer Mike Haynes was brought on in 1976 with future starters center Pete Brock and safety Tim Fox. In 1977, future pro bowler corner back Ray Clayborn and future pro bowl receiver Stanley Morgan were drafted.

This crew quickly started to gel and by 1974, the team was no longer an embarrassment. By 1976, they were not only respectable, they were contenders. Some might go as far as saying they could have won the Super Bowl that year if it wasn't for an absolutely criminal officiating job by Ben Dreith's crew during the first playoff game against Oakland (and I'm not even counting the roughing-the-passer call).

Then...ahem...things started to happen. I have a theory about this. When Fairbanks came on, it appeared that he raised the organizational IQ of the Pats (not hard to do at the time) significantly. They were actually competent. But the Peter Principle come into effect and if you hang around those birds long enough, you're IQ will start to drop. It's difficult to make someone smarter, it's not difficult at all to dumb down a smart guy.

In 1977, Hannah and fellow pro bowl tackle Leon Gray held out of training camp. Fairbanks was finally able to come to an agreement with the shared agent of the two players before the season, but Billy Sullivan vetoed the deal. Gray and Hannah missed up until Week 4 and the Pats missed the playoffs.

1978 started off horribly as Darryl Stingley was crippled by a Jack Tatum hit during a preseason. (God bless ol' Paul Zimmerman. When asked what he thought of Tatum's Hall of Fame chances, Dr. Z said "not while I'm alive. He didn't have to hit Stingley like that." May you live forever Doc.) Swallowing their pain, the Patriots picked up pro-bowler Harold Jackson and started the season with one of the most talented teams in the league. They gained over 3,100 yards on the ground (still an NFL record) and they did it without one back gaining over 800 yards. Outside of the famed Pittsburgh Steelers, that Patriot team was probably the most talented in the league. Many still say that this team was the most talented Patriots team even up until this year (including the Super Bowl winners). They rolled to a 11-4 record with a tough schedule and had already clinched the division when they got ready to play a Monday Night game in Miami. This last win and people could start talking about Pittsburgh and New England in a classic AFC title game.

And here's where my theory kicks in.

Weeks earlier, Billy Sullivan noticed local high school players and high school coaches dropping by Fairbank's office. It actually happened quite often. This puzzled Sullivan. Billy knew Chuck was big on recruiting, but this was a little extreme. Why would so many high school players and coaches be coming by Chuck's office?

Finally, Billy figured out what everyone else seemed to know. Fairbanks accepted a job with the University of Colorado for the 1979 season. He was recruiting...for his new job. Either Fairbanks just thought Sullivan was so stupid he wouldn't notice or my theory took effect, either way Billy was pissed.

So pissed that Billy decided to throw out his trump card, one of his claims-to-fame, the inappropriate-locker-room-confrontation. Before the Miami game, Sullivan outed Fairbanks in front of all his players and threw his head coach out of the locker room, suspending him (couldn't fire him because then Billy would have to pay the rest of the contract). The owner then couldn't even make up his mind on who the new coach should be, so he made coordinators Ron Erhardt and Hank Bullough, co-coaches. When the teams came on the field, the Monday Night Football announcers, Howard Cosell, Don Meredith and Frank Gifford were obviously confused as to why these two guys were wearing headsets and where was Fairbanks? After the Miami game, each co-coach's record was 0 - 1/2 as the Patriots lost 23-3. Sullivan reinstated Fairbanks for the playoffs while initiating legal proceedings against his coach. Oddly enough, the team was uninspired for the playoff game and lost to the upstart Oilers 31-14 at home - and it wasn't that close.

And from here the Patriots returned back to that place they knew so well, laughing stock. With those Patriots in the late 1970s, it was almost like looking at one of those 400 pound Elvis impersonators. The guy's trying, but it just doesn't look right.